Reality

Reality is...

when your six year old child begins to really and truly grasp that his adoption is "forever."  He processes that even though there are some pretty cool things about being part of a family, there are also things like:

-reasonable bedtimes that are not the same for everyone in the family,
-TV watching limitations,
-parents who try really hard to be a team that can't be played one against the other,
-ineffective attempts at manipulation through pouting, tears, and acting out, and
-consequences for poor choices.

Bummer for him.

Two Sundays ago, Little Weeds #4 came home from Sunday School and began to act out a bit.  I'm not positive of the trigger, but I have my suspicions.  There was a lesson on compassion.  The well-meaning leader asked the kids if they knew there were other kids in this world who:

1) don't have clean water to drink straight from the faucet (check - no one in China can drink the tap water.),

2) don't have their own shoes that fit them (check - #4 came to us in shoes that were 3 full sizes too small),

3) can't just go to the pantry and pull out a snack when they're hungry (check - what pantry?)

4) don't have a blanket to keep them warm at night (phew! #4 had a nice warm bed and was dressed in layers in the winter to keep the cold out), and

5) had never had a present to open up on Christmas morning (check.)

I was watching closely to see if #4 was processing or personalizing these questions.  I didn't see any reaction, so I was hoping that it went in one ear and out the other without any impact, but the behavioral change at home was so striking that Sticks asked, "What is up with him?  Did something happen at Sunday School?"  It could have been coincidence, but regardless, there was a significant change. 

Boundaries began to be tested.  Dad's authority was questioned.  There was stomping of feet, whining when asked to do something, crossed arms, and angry glares. 

Seven days later, things weren't improving much.  We had lots of good times, especially when things were going his way, but the moment there was any little hitch in his world, things began to fall apart.  Despite this, we decided to enjoy a family Saturday night outing to a Christmas event.  I was hoping a good dose of fun might be just what the doctor ordered.  It was great.  The kids all had a nice time and Little Weeds #4 literally screamed when he first saw the enormity of the lights display. 

We looked at an outdoor nativity set, #4 asked why the angels weren't in the sky,

and then tried to hijack the camel of a poor unsuspecting plastic wise man. 

We walked through a Christmas Around the World Display and each picked out and photographed our favorite nativity sets. 

And then it was time to leave.

As we walked back to the car, I stopped to take a quick photo of Sweet One.  It put us about ten yards behind the rest of the crew and due to traffic at an intersection, landed Sweet One and I on a parallel sidewalk.  #4 asked Sticks if he could run over to walk with Sweet One and me.  Sticks said no.  Simultaneously, Sweet one and I were making our way back to them.  The rest of the details are immaterial, but the end result was a child who pouted and wailed about having to accept Daddy's "no" the ENTIRE 30 minute ride home. (Lesson learned:  he tried the same tactic today.  I stopped the car and told him I couldn't drive until the crying stopped.  He turned off the waterworks immediately.)

Once home, I took #4 straight up to his bed and laid down with him while he calmed down.  Once he started the conversation, we talked for a long time.  He definitely views himself as his own master and authority and simply couldn't comprehend why he had to obey Daddy's "no", even if it made no sense to him.  There were many other issues discussed as well - enough to warrant a later parental discussion about the new issues we are facing, how we can best address them, and how to balance that with the grace and understanding he absolutely deserves. 

So, for a while, we will be making his world very small again.  There will be no "overstimulation" from playdates, changes in our routine, or spontaneous outings (beyond the inevitable and unavoidable Christmas hubub).  We're going to make concerted efforts to make sure that he begins to understand that even though Mom is with him the majority of the day, Dad is still a loving authority figure to be trusted and obeyed.  We will help him learn that even though he fended for himself for a very long time, he can release that burden and allow us to watch out for his safety and well-being.  We will be unwaivering in our consistency in consequences for poor choices.  And mama will not bend in the face of very skilled manipulative efforts.  (Pray for me here!)

My little buddy is in a rough patch, but we're in it for the long haul and will not let him down.  We will do all we can to raise him to become the amazing young man God created him to be.  He's stuck with us - bedtime and all.

 

P.S. Immediately after posting this, I came across today's Love Without Boundaries blog.  The timing couldn't have been better.   Wanna read some wise words about the realities of older child adoption?  Click on over.