The Other Side of Attachment

As adoptive parents prepare to meet their children, they do hours upon hours of preparation for fostering attachment with their new addition.  We learn about bonding activities, positive signs that attachments are forming, red flags of attachment avoidance, etc, etc, etc.  We focus a lot on how to help the child attach to us.  But there is another equally important piece to the attachment puzzle - how the parent feels toward the child.  I was only marginally aware of this issue prior to our first adoption. 

I am a person who is slow to bond.  To anyone. God and I have had numerous heated discussions about this over the years.  It happens to be terribly inconvenient when trying to build relationships, and I am not always satisfied with who I am in this area and less than thrilled that this is how I am wired.  It is especially frustrating as a mom.  When my first child was born, I only knew stories of "love at first sight."  The Baby Story set me up for failure.  I was handed this wrinkled, cone-headed, screaming child and just did not feel that immediate "mother love."  I cared for him, met his needs, held him, and gave him affection, but I didn't FEEL that heart-overflowing-with-warm-fuzzies feeling for at least 8 weeks, and it really didn't settle in deeply until about 6 months later.  This was overwhelming and devastating for me at the time.

Second son's mama-love came a little quicker, but I was also more aware of the fact that I wasn't likely to fall head over heels upon his birth, so I was able to go easier on myself.  He was also a very easy baby and the lack of colic-induced brain fog probably helped.

Enter third child / first adoption.  I fooled myself into thinking that since I had fallen in love with a photograph and wouldn't be going through the physical trauma of giving birth, that bonding with this adorable baby girl would be easier.  Wrong again, Batman.  I recently wrote this to a fellow adoptive parent who was asking about post-adoption attachment:

I had  fallen in love with a photo.  Reluctant husband barely glanced at it.  In China, I was handed an absolutely adorable baby girl.  I felt sympathy for her fear, but not that love and adoration I had hoped for.  A few days later, I commented to my husband, "I wonder when she'll feel like she's mine and I'm not just babysiting for a cute kid."  My formerly reluctant husband replied, "Oh, I am so there."  He had fallen head over heals for this precious one.  I, on the other hand, had to demonstrate through actions the love that I didn't yet feel for several months.  Then one day, as she was learning to toddle across the family room, I realized that she was no longer a Chinese orphan I had brought home.  She was my daughter - a daughter that I loved just as I loved my other children.  I had that mama-bear love that would do anything for her.  Where had it come from?  It didn't matter.  It was just there.

The best advice I have heard regarding bonding and attachment from the parents' perspective is to just fake it until it becomes real.  Act love out.  Live it and it will eventually land in your heart.  Going into this second adoption, I was prepared to do just that.  I vowed to care for this little boy and treat him with love, even if I didn't feel that love in my heart right away.

I braced myself knowing (and fearing) that this was to be a"blind date" - or perhaps "arranged marriage" is a better comparison - with a child who was to come to us with a fully formed personality and a monumental set of life experiences already behind him.  My biggest fear was that I would feel like the adoption of my new son would feel like the play date from hell that would last a lifetime.  You know that kid who comes to visit that you can't wait to send home?  Well, when that kid is "home" in your home, there's no where to send him!  I prayed about that possibility and the provision to handle it should it become reality. 

I also prayed that God would prepare Rudolfo's heart to accept our love.  And that He would prepare my heart to provide that love, to feel a connection to this little guy, and to quickly be able to see him as my son. 

Well, I met my son less than a month ago.  I was walking out of his room earlier this week after settling him in for an afternoon "quiet time." He had just made me laugh about something silly and as I rounded the corner into the hallway, I found myself thinking, "Gosh, that is one neat kid. I just love him."  Wait.  I love him?  Yes.   I really and truly love him with that warm-fuzzies-overflowing-from-your-heart kind of love.    And I don't just love him.  I like him!  He's a treat to be around and even with this monumental language barrier, I find him funny and witty and tender-hearted and patient and thoughtful and just plain cool. 

Maybe it's because he embraced us so fully upon meeting us.  He is doing everything in his power to be a part of this family.  Maybe it's because he is old enough that showing acceptance is a two way street.  He is giving all of us the kind of feedback that says, "I like you guys."  Maybe it's because my favorite prayer warriors helped work a miracle in both my son's heart and my own.  This attachment journey is not over, but it is sure moving in the right direction, and I am thoroughly enjoying the ride.

 

 

And now, for the viewing pleasure of the grandparents in the audience, some photos and a recap of the week.  We started school this week!  We eased into things with only Ziggity starting all subjects (the trials and tribulations of the eldest middle schooler are great).  Rudolfo focused on English Language Learning games and activities.  He is working hard and earning lots of enthusiastic praise from his teacher.  We all ooh and aah over his amazing handwriting.  His copywork is every bit as good as mine.  He has raised the bar in our little homeschool and everyone is striving to be just a little neater.  I love it.

 

 

Ziggity is enjoying his online language arts class although occasionally gets frustrated with the "ridiculous questions" that some of that kids ask.  I assured him that people would be asking ridiculous questions for the rest of his life and suggested he get used to it.  I'm not sure that's what he wanted to hear. 

 

Dr Jiggles is also enjoying his online literature class.  He is reading Tom Sawyer and loves the discussion and interaction with other kids that share his love of reading.  The teacher is amazing and the multi-media activities she comes up with are phenomenal.

 

Both Ziggity and Dr. Jiggles are loving their DVD-driven history class, although are not thrilled about the amount of writing required. 

 

 

Ziggity is also pushing confidently ahead in math.  Since I had insisted on complete avoidance of calculator use until he hit algebra, he is thrilled to now be the proud owner of a scientific calculator!  When he took it out of the package, he said, "Mom, with this thing in my hands, it's possible that I could become a genius."  My child does not lack confidence or aspiration, that's for sure.

 

 

Sweet One is proud of her role as learning partner with Rudolfo, but appreciates her special one-on-one time for reading and math.  Her reading skills improved immensely over the summer and I'm going to have to reassess placement because she did the first two months of her reading book in just the first four days of school.  She's pretty proud of that.  She's also thrilled to finally have her very own spelling book and can't wait to "study" for her first test next week.

 

My funny school story for the week:  We were reviewing math facts with Sweet One.  She struggles with this and, having not reviewed them for at least a month, was needing a few extra seconds to calculate and recall.  I was using flashcards, so no English understanding was required.  Rudolfo was standing behind Sweet One as she viewed the cards.  As she was knitting her brow in concentration, he was quietly standing behind her holding up his fingers with each answer!  I was doing my best to discreetly acknowledge his correct answers (while hiding my surprise that he could participate so fully!).  It was working beautifully (two math reviews for the price of one!) until Sweet One discovered what was happening.  She was not the least bit happy that her little brother seems to know his addition facts and insisted that it was her practice time.  Me thinks a little competition in this area might be a very good thing for the overall household math skills.  :)

Our extracurricular activities included a bike ride with the principal (Rudolfo is still on training wheels so got a free ride.)

 

 

 

We also celebrated our first day of school with an outing to Panda Express.  Rudolfo was thrilled and absolutely cleaned his plate.  Had it not been for health department regulations, I'm sure I could have offered his box back for reuse.  It was that clean.

 

 

We also had the pleasure of having an afternoon with our other Grandma (Nai Nai to Rudolfo) while she was in town for a brief visit.

 

 

 

 

We finished out our week with a visit from our favorite social worker.  She was here for our first post-adoption visit (required by law) and had a chance to discuss with us the great things that are happening here as well as help us troubleshoot some of our challenges.  It was great to have her here, and the kids were thrilled that they got to enjoy a middle-of-the-day movie while Mom and Dad spoke with the social worker separately.  

 

We are looking forward to a fun weekend.  We're working on getting out with Rudolfo a little more, so he is going to get to see a bit of a little league baseball game this weekend!  He and Sweet One will also be starting Chinese school on Saturday, so he'll have his first real exposure to Mandarin since we got home.  We know that he has a very thick regional accent, so I hope he is able to understand the teacher and vice versa.  Fingers crossed here and prayers appreciated!