Why Are We Doing This?

Countless times throughout this adoption journey, both Sticks and I have had crises of faith regarding the adoption process.  One of these occurred for me the night before we decided to adopt Little Weed #4.  In the midst of that particular moment of doubt I was asked why we were doing this.  Since this was a huge step and a decision worth careful, thoughtful,and  repeated consideration, I took some time to really think through that simple question for the millionth time. While waiting for Sweet One to finish her Chinese dance class, I responded with this email.  (I'm a much better writer than conversationalist, so I occasionally resort to a written response when something needs to be communicated clearly and effectively.)

Here is that response:

Why are we doing this?  Great question.  I really mean it.  I think it's important to remind ourselves of this and really think it through before moving forward.

I pray about this almost nonstop.  Literally.  I am constantly praying for trust and faith and, most importantly, clear direction.  I am a person who likes predictability, and yet we are perusing one of the most unpredictable things we could think of.  I thrive on routine, yet I am inviting chaos into my home, at least for a while.  I treasure the "easy" job I have in parenting three really great kids, yet I am intentionally putting us in front of what will be -in the best of circumstance- some really difficult parenting moments.  This is so far out of my comfort zone and for a while I kept looking for excuses to turn away from the possibility of another adoption. I was comfortable with the fact that we were "done."  In fact, I had completely laid the issue to rest when Sticks brought it up on that weekend trip. Then with one simple comment from my husband, God nudged my heart to be able to at least reconsider.  For at least 2 months I argued and wrestled with God about it.  And each time I was sure I couldn't do it, I felt a suggestion of "trust.". Could he be placing an opportunity to be part of something great?  A really huge blessing?

Like Esther, I know that if we don't step up, God will find a way to fulfill his purposes.  But do we really want to miss out on the chance to be God's instruments?  I am afraid of the tough times.  I'm worried I'll forget to lean on the strength of my Savior- because I know I can't possibly successfully parent 4 kids without Him.  But again and again I have been shown that really great things aren't meant to be on the path of least resistance.

I knew last week that our dossier would likely be logged in soon allowing us access to the common list. Still, I wasn't expecting this referral quite this quickly.  But our agency coordinator spotted him on the list, loved what she saw, thought he might be exactly the right match for us, and locked his file on our behalf.  We have 72 hours from the lock to submit a signed letter of intent. 

Thanks for making me pray and think this all through again.  I didn't realize how strongly I felt at this point until you made me think through the question.  Why are we doing this? Because God has placed us in an ideal situation to do this work for Him.  Because I love being a mom and a teacher and would count it a privilege to raise another young man of God.  Because I am blessed with an amazing marriage to an incredible man who is capable of walking with me through a stressful but amazing adventure in this life.  Because I am doing my best to trust in the Lord with all my heart, leaning not on my own understanding, but in all my ways acknowledging Him, knowing that He will make this path straight.

And this is not and never was an item on my checklist.   The next item on that list is cleaning Ziggity's dresser.