Dear
Family & Friends,
In just a few (incredibly long) hours, our precious Little Weed #4 will finally be home! We know that each of you reading this has, in some way, supported, loved, and prayed for us. Because we know you care for Little Weed #4 and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In many ways, Little Weed #4 will be like our other children. But there will be a few initial differences. For years now, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional orphanage setting.
Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth, and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological family at an early age was a major trauma on Little Weed #4’s little heart. Then he more recently lost his orphanage family and friends. The good news is that we can now, as Little Weed #4's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds. When Little Weed #4 comes home, he will likely be a little overwhelmed. Everything around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new environment, but also about love and our family. He has not fully experienced God's design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once he starts to establish this important bond, he will then be able to branch out to other healthy relationships.
Little Weed #4 will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our little guy settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal physical contact with Little Weed #4. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to go too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Little Weed#4 should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted friends.
Another area is redirecting Little Weed #4's desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. He may also be willing to go with any adult willing to meet his needs. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Little Weed #4 hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you (he's totally irresistible and huggable). But until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious little one. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past months. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
In just a few (incredibly long) hours, our precious Little Weed #4 will finally be home! We know that each of you reading this has, in some way, supported, loved, and prayed for us. Because we know you care for Little Weed #4 and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around him to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In many ways, Little Weed #4 will be like our other children. But there will be a few initial differences. For years now, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those coming home through adoption from an institutional orphanage setting.
Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom nurses & calms the baby - which teaches him that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God's very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth, and future relationships. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological family at an early age was a major trauma on Little Weed #4’s little heart. Then he more recently lost his orphanage family and friends. The good news is that we can now, as Little Weed #4's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help him heal from these emotional wounds. When Little Weed #4 comes home, he will likely be a little overwhelmed. Everything around him will be new and he will need to learn not just about his new environment, but also about love and our family. He has not fully experienced God's design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed him. As this repeats between us, he will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once he starts to establish this important bond, he will then be able to branch out to other healthy relationships.
Little Weed #4 will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help him heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our little guy settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal physical contact with Little Weed #4. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging, and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to go too easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Little Weed#4 should know that the people with whom he interacts are our trusted friends.
Another area is redirecting Little Weed #4's desire to have his physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. He may also be willing to go with any adult willing to meet his needs. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. To share this is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Little Weed #4 hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you (he's totally irresistible and huggable). But until he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you direct him to us if you see that he is seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious little one. Thank you so much for your love and support over the past months. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
Hi Melissa,
ReplyDeleteI caught up on your blog. Thank you for sharing:) I love the pictures and am so happy your new son is adjusting well.
I will be praying for you,
Lee Ann
Jin Jin's mom 10/05 :)
Congratulations! I agree with your post but you may be surprised how he reacts. We brought home a 3 year old and 10 year old and although we had a few sensory issues with our 3 year old - he and my 10 year old loved being hugged and loved. Blessings to your family!
ReplyDeleteI think it's lovely of you Melissa to let folks know how they might help with Samuels adjustment and arrival. And I'm sure his little mind and emotions will be going full speed whether that's reflected on the outside or not. Thank you for the tips on how we can be of help to make Samuels adjustment smoother than what it might be otherwise. Hugs T
ReplyDeleteSo very excited (but sad at the same time) for the trip home. I hope you choose to continue blogging once home. It was be so amazing that Rudolpho, as his English grows, will be able to tell you more about his life thus far. Safe travels home. Hoping to see some pictures of #4 at the swimming pool. You don't think anyone built a koi pond in your backyard while you were gone; do you?? :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts and approach Melissa.....speaking of which, how come you are the only one without a nick name????? Will have to get together with Lia to find you one! Safe travels and see you guys soon.
ReplyDelete